My stupid alopecia is getting back to the state it was in when it was at its worst,and I don't know what to do.I have always felt there is a purpose to this whole shitty debacle,and that it will all eventually be ok.But currently I'm really struggling to see it.I'm just so scared that it's gonna just keep getting worse,because before it's always stopped coming out just before it got too much to hide,but now it's just getting worse and worse.I don't know what to do.I'm scared of how angry its making me.There's not a night over the past week I've not cried myself to sleep over it.And whats worse is I still have to put on this fucking fake 'I'm Ok' face for everyone around me.Nobody understands it and I just feel that if I make anything of it,people will think that I'm being overdramatic because they just don't understand how hard it actually is.Its not fair,I should be enjoying these young years of my life and I feel like its just forced me to grow up more quickly because it's put the kind of constant stress on me that you don't associate with your teenage years,or at least I don't think you're supposed to.I feel so cheated because I feel that I've tried my hardest to do good,and yet I'm stuck with this shit day in day out.That makes me sound selfish,but it's only the same as everyone thinks when bad happens to them.I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more,and that scares me because until now I always could.I just wish it would go away and I could have my hair back and do everything with it that everyone else can.Get it cut in a nice hairdressers,style it,straighten it without burning the back of my balding head/upper neck from the heat on my hair,go out in the wind and rain without worrying about it.Go out and actually feel confident about my appearance instead of feeling secretly ugly compared to everyone around me.Get to sleep at night without crying over having to deal with it all again the next day.
I fucking hate this.With everything I am I hate it.Why has this happened and why does it continue to happen?What is the purpose in this?Importantly,where is God in all this?Why can't he show me what to do with it?
I just wish it would stop.